Absence
by evilxlipxscar
Summary: Not exactly a tag, more a morning scene of Lisbon running in the park after 7x10. Actually it's set right before 7x11 and goes AU whereas 7x12. "In this moment it really hit her, she couldn't go in and out here every day knowing that Jane was abducted."
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: If I'd own the show it would've never ended. (There would be 28 more seasons)

A/N: Terrible grammar and not much dialogue ahead; be warned. It's set right before 7x11 I guess. I haven't felt like writing a one-shot in forever so I might (I am) out of practice and I apologize. I still hope you somehow like it.

* * *

Her breathing was erratic and rapid. The movements hurt in her chest like hell, but she wouldn't stop now.

Only one more curve and 100 feet. She could manage that. She needed this brutal workout today. Still her once easy and controlled running legs went slower. It was harder now.

Lisbon was a fighter, a real trooper and so she did it.

And then she sank to the ground. Her body went limp and she panted. Her lungs didn't get enough air and her head felt dizzy suddenly. She shouldn't have done that. Lisbon had run twice as much as usually and in that moment she regretted it.

Jane's absence shouldn't affect her that much she thought. Lisbon coughed and pressed her left fist deeper into the chilly grass.

Her body was half lying half sitting on the side of a walk way in the park. Fortunately no one was there yet except her but then again it was only 5:30 am.

When she swallowed it tasted bitter, she wished Jane would be here next to her. They had surprisingly often done that. Just the two of them for a morning exercise in the park had something soothing. She always felt more relaxed after that. Maybe a little bit ecstatic.

It wasn't until she felt something wet and hot on her décolleté that she realized she was crying softly, not sobbing dramatically..

The tears did just fell and fell and kept dropping on her body. The drops remained still for a second on her pale slightly rounded skin above her breasts and then started to flow; they wriggled their way through her cleavage until they were caught from her tee-shirt. The light grey color of her shirt discolored from her wet tears and changed into a dark grey. Her breathing, lunging for more air, was the only thing which was heard.

Then Lisbon coughed again. She moaned and wiped her eyes. Thank god she hadn't used any make up.

She was carrying Jane's child and Jane had told her he couldn't do this anymore. It wasn't because she was having his child but because he couldn't go through it again if she would get shoot.

When he had told her after Vega's funeral it had been quite a shock for her. After he had turned around she'd been standing on the cemetery for at least half an hour. Jane hadn't turned around once to get a last glimpse at her.

They had wanted to spend a weekend together and then a young colleague from her unit had been shot and he had left. Jane had left her again.

Abbott had driven her home because her hands were shaking too much to even ulock her SUV.

Probably the hormones made her feel so miserable after her morning exercise. For a few moments she felt like throwing up.

They had tried, they had tried for months and it had made them happy. She had seen Jane truly happy. In the after glow of their love making his folds had disappeared and he'd looked so much more peaceful. She had had him after twelve long years, she still had him somehow.

It had felt so good to be in his arms at night and in general. Only now that she knew how cozy her bed could feel she realized how big and empty it was without him.

Looking back she thought that the two of them had been very good together for years.

More tears built up in her eyes and she bit her lip.

They wouldn't do this. Maybe Jane wouldn't bear to have a second child. Her trembling right hand rubbed over her tired eyes and she realized that they'd never talked about it. As well as his ring.

An huge part of her brain did understand that Jane couldn't lose her, her job was dangerous and everything but there was an almost as huge part of her brain that didn't understand why he would rather be absent in case it happened than be with her knowing that they had had the times of their lives.

She hadn't planned to become pregnant. With Jane's child.

Looking at the facts, she had given up the thought that she would become pregnant. Since she'd hit the forty, the big mark with a nasty '4' in front, she hadn't even thought about such a possibility anymore. Not for her.

But here she was, and she had to admit... she was more than okay with it.

She didn't know if he would ever overcome his fear of losing someone but Lisbon needed him with her for a lifetime and if he should come back she had to tell him that. Jane didn't pick up his phone whenever she tried to call so Lisbon only could hope for the best scenario. He was sitting stubbornly in his airstream thinking it was the best for everyone. So if he should come back all by himself she would tell him to either come back for good or stay away forever.

There was no halfway anymore. This baby, her baby changed everything. It didn't matter that she was only a few weeks along.

Her pulse had finally calmed down a bit and Lisbon was just pulling a few strands of curly hair back into her loose bun when her cellphone rang.

The display said Abbott.

She hadn't solved any of her issues yet and already -goddamn it- real life was catching her.

"This is Lisbon."

She closed her eyes and told Abbott that she would be right there.

Despite everything that was happening right now she was grateful for this particular child in her womb. It was her reason to get up at all these days.

* * *

A/N: Review please? It would mean the world to me.

-A x


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: It's not mine and that's good I believe.

A/N: I actually didn't plan to write a second chapter to that but somehow I got inspired and right now it looks like I'm going to post more short chapters. It will be a sad story, that being said. Thanks for all the lovely reviews to the first chapter, I was blown away. By the way, this is now an AU with not much case details.

* * *

The tears were captured in her eyes, but she wouldn't allow them to fall down, not yet. In an easy motion she sat foot before foot. Left. Right. Her lower lip was shaking, maybe even trembling. She was sweating a little on her small back and she felt the adrenalin and the ecstatic feeling kick in in her whole body. That was exactly what she needed now.

Lisbon moaned; the pregnancy-hormones were already driving her crazy or wasn't it the hormones? Actually she was quite surprised that Jane hadn't noticed right away as he'd walked out of the elevator in the bullpen. She took a deep breath and tried to gather herself up. No, he really hadn't she'd seen it in his eyes. He didn't know. _Damn maybe he would never know. _

Jane had wanted time to think and she had given him that, just like always. No word about her pregnancy because she had wanted him to stay for her. A baby would only complicate things she thought. Maybe he would've run scared or tell her that he couldn't handle it yet and honestly she didn't want to give him a reason to regret his decision to stay. To be back with her. The brokenness still wasn't healed fully.

Surely he would love the child she was carrying inside her–as far as he could and then he would grow to the person she needed eventually.

She came to a shaky halt and supported her upper body with her hands on her thighs. The tears just spilled out of her eyes and she gasped. They hit her pants and all she could think was that this was not supposed to happen. None of that.

All she was feeling was the anger and the anxiety.

Then her lungs remained her that this wasn't quite correct. Hell they were burning like they were on fire. Angrily she realized that she was over hormonal and unfortunately still very much in love with the man who had been abducted by a man who most likely was responsible for 10 murders in the past year. She had been against it from the beginning, she knew nothing good would come out of this .Abbott's words about no one except Jane being better in exploiting a situation like that didn't help her at all.

She knew how good he was. Though it wouldn't help him if he couldn't give the man what he wanted.

Her legs gave in and minutes later she found herself lying in the chilly grass once again. A knot was in her throat and she tried her best not to break it. She was not going to sob uncontrollably until the FBI would find Jane's body. Alive or dead.

Involuntary she put a hand on her flat stomach and prayed to God.

She needed Jane and his child would too.

Her mouth was a thin line as she remembered their last night together. Jane had looked at her for at least half an hour and his admiring gaze had wandered all over her small frame. How uncomfortable she had felt at the thought that he might find out about her little secret. Her cheeks had blushed in bright pink as he had stripped her panties down her legs.

"_I missed this. I am so sorry you worried" He captured her lips with his and she groaned before she pulled back. Her index finger was trailing over his lower lip. "I missed you. Don't do that ever to me again."_

Time. The time was passing way to fast; shouldn't Abbott have called her by now? A look at her clock told her that it was 6 am. Lisbon should probably go back. Abbott had told her to go home and rest for a while some when before the dawn would arrive.

She stood up shakily and for one second she thought she couldn't bear it.

Then, she swallowed the knot in her throat down and tried to bring her composure back.

* * *

When she entered the bullpen she could tell by Wylie's expression that there was no news, he looked exhausted and the grief was written all over his face. Someone should hug this poor guy.

"Jason," Lisbon called softly, "Come on, take a break, it's fine, you have done enough." She patted his shoulder and gave him a reassuring smile.

"I just need to do a check-up on uh this one person... the one…"

"This can wait. You and I are going to drink a coffee now." Then the thought entered her head that she probably shouldn't drink caffeine. She would drink tea, one of Jane's favorite types of tea.

Wylie eventually stood up and stretched his limbs. As they made their way to the kitchen they met Cho halfway.

"Lisbon," he sounded relieved to see her.

"So there're really no clues where he might be? We just know how his kidnapper looks like?" Her voice sounded bitter and numb.

"Yes but in his background, there may be some glues, we have to go deeper."

"Fine that do that, Wylie needs a break." She sounded bossier than she wanted to. "Sorry. I'm just I didn't mean to."

Wylie said, "I can do a background check now before I'll-"

Before he could say another word the two older agents and told him to shut up.

Their moods were on the edge.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for all of my mistakes. A review would be very nice. Should I continue with this?

-A x


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Nah

A/N: I know nothing about how the FBI is currently handling cases or you know anything about catching a serial killer. So, just to make it easy here I'm not focusing on that but on what would be if they wouldn't find Lazarus and Jane so quickly. How would Lisbon cooperate with it and would she give up?

* * *

"When we stormed the house it was already empty, Lazarus must've known we were coming and taken Jane away with him. I'm so sorry Lisbon, but..." Lisbon snorted.

"Damn, so do you have a new plan? Were there any hints in the house? About where they went I mean?"

"No there was nothing. It looked almost sterile."

Her hands roamed over her tired face. After a while Cho added: "But at least it looks like Jane is alive."

"I can't handle that anymore Cho." She whispered. She found it even worse knowing that Patrick couldn't help himself apparently, that he was being held in captivity for whatever reason.

"I know." Rubbing over her thighs she asked slowly, "What if the forensics won't find any more traces?"

There was a silence. And the only thing which was heard was the whirring and buzzing of her house phone. "Lisbon, look, there're other cases that need to be solved, we can't focus on only this case."

Her voice was pressed as she summarized what Cho was trying to say. "We're burying the case and if there's news then we'll investigate again?"

"Yes." Lisbon gasped and closed her eyes, not wanting to cry again.

"You can't do that! He's still alive! He needs-"

"Go get some sleep Teresa; the stress isn't good for the baby. We'll talk tomorrow, okay?" Tears flashed into her eyes. Not really unsurprisingly the urge to just sob hit her, but she knew she wouldn't.

She wanted to say 'no' she wanted to tell him that only bringing Jane unharmed home would make her calm.

Instead she said, "Okay." Her words were only a whisper, but filled with so raw emotion.

She pulled the shirtsleeves of her grey sweater over her wrists and wiped her eyes. Lisbon allowed herself to snuggle into the cushions of her couch and bit onto her trembling lower lip.

She needed distance, this was all too much.

Her baby needed more space and just a few days ago she'd noticed that her favorite jeans didn't fit any longer. She had gotten a little bump over the last couple of months and she was already protecting it.

She had wanted to storm the house so badly in which they all thought the serial killer was hiding with Jane but she knew she couldn't. She knew if she would get harmed and lose her baby or anything she couldn't handle it.

Her baby was her reason to stand up every morning, to see the empty bed beside her but still somehow wriggle out of the sheets and go to work. She was so grateful that the baby was nested firmly in her womb. Lisbon had feared in her first weeks that it would just slip away because of the stress and her age.

Sometime later her eyes began to close and she didn't fight against the sleep that was taking over her frame. The last thing she thought was that she wanted to be wrapped around Jane. He was always so cozy and safe.

* * *

The next day Lisbon woke up alone, like every other day since four months and like every morning it made her feel like the loneliest person in the world.

She made herself a cup of tea (it had become a habit) and drove to work.

There, she approached in Cho's office to demand a clear answer to her question.

"Morning Cho." He looked up and saw her tiny body leaning against the doorframe. She looked even smaller now which was in contrast to the fact that she was carrying a child even more obvious. It happened really rarely that Cho didn't know what to say; that he was speechless, but as Lisbon had told him about her pregnancy he had been. Cho had seen it as his job to look after her. Sometimes he would just come over to her house and bring her some healthy food.

Lisbon's hair was unruly and curly but at least she'd bothered to make a ponytail.

"Hey Lisbon. What's up?"

"About the thing you said yesterday... Has it been confirmed that the FBI won't dig deeper into the Lazarus case until there're new clues or something?" Now, Lisbon walked in and took a seat on one of the chairs in front of his desk.

"Yes it has. I'm really sorry." Her saw the last glimpse of hope drowning in the depths of her eyes.

"Can't you-"

"No I can't. These are the rules." As long as there wouldn't be new hints, traces, leads _anything_ he was powerless.

"Okay." The tears glistened in her eyes; she looked so done with the world. "Then what am I doing here at all?"

Lisbon's question startled him. A few moments passed.

"I'm pregnant and the child's father has been abducted." Her saw her jaw working in something that looked like an angry motion. "What am I doing here? Is that my life?"

"I don't know you tell me. If you need space, a vacation maybe, I can organize it."

She looked at him surprised. "A vacation?" She repeated like she hadn't heard the word since a while.

"If you want to that is." Cho looked at her seriously.

Lisbon hadn't even considered taking a break from work because the Lazarus case had been so present until now.

"No, I need to be there if you're finding new leads!" She said hastily, she didn't even know where she should go.

"I can call you." He saw Lisbon reaching her hand out and softly, most likely unconsciously caressing her lower stomach. "It's your choice, but boss uh Lisbon, honestly you don't look good."

Then something unexpected happened. Lisbon laughed gently, testing how it felt probably.

"Yeah you're right Kimball. I look like a mess without Jane." Her smile faded slowly away. "I'll consider it."

* * *

Later in the bullpen she sat at her desk. And Lisbon just sat there. She saw people walking out of the elevater, heard voices, she saw the colors and yet she didn't notice them.

In this moment it really hit her.

She couldn't go in and out here every day knowing that Jane was abducted. That Lazarus was maybe abusing him in any way.

Perhaps that was it, that's how they ended. Jane would never know of the little life that was growing inside of Lisbon.

Her decision was made before she even knew it. She would go and travel to the beach, get a new haircut, eat a box of candies.

All alone. Oh no wait- with Patrick Jane's baby girl (she was sure it was a girl even though she hadn't let her doctor diagnose it) safely growing under her heart.

She could do it.

But she needed him so much she couldn't do that all on her own, could she? Suddenly the fear was gripping her at her shoulders like a cold monster.

* * *

A/N: I love reviews like cake, so please leave one and tell me what you think! (I don't know when I'm able to post the next chapter bc I'm so terribly busy these days, but I promise there will be an update.)

-A x


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: It's Bruno Heller's. Not mine, sadly.

A/N: Oh god, don't judge me please. The last couple of weeks were extremely exhausting &amp; I just wasn't in the mood to write. I wrote the first part of the chapter earlier than the second part &amp; I guess that it's easy to notice. I still hope you like it… somehow. &amp; I promise it is going somewhere. I don't want to make this story longer than 10k words.

* * *

It was one of the hardest decisions in her life. For over a week she couldn't sleep, she lay awake in her bed and just couldn't close her eyes. The darkness was slowly circling around her. By the end of the tenth day Lisbon went to the office where Wylie was sitting on his computer.

His eyes were reddened, but Lisbon was sure that the young agent was slowly healing. She unlike him wasn't going in that direction at all, how could she even?

Lisbon knew she couldn't just 'go away'. In the file of the Lazarus case had to be something. Deciding to only leave for two weeks if there really was nothing in the file that looked suspicious she walked to the other agent's desk. The others; Cho and two new agents were on a stake out of another case. The two new agents were fine, they were honest and loyal; hadn't asked any questions. One of them was a bit older, Agent Coleman; he came from another unit to theirs. Then there was Agent Hilton, a brand new agent, skinny, pale but strong.

After been given the case file Lisbon took a seat in one of the empty interrogation rooms.

xxx

Slowly she closed the file, she felt exhausted, barely noticing anything. The headache was getting worse and her pants were tight. Although knowing that she shouldn't wear them anymore she still did. Yes, Teresa had used a paperclip to fix it on her pants but it worked (for the next 5 days at least). Lisbon definitely had to buy pregnancy clothes but she didn't want to. Not alone.

Startled she noticed that she didn't even care anymore.

When it was getting late she put her left hand on her slightly extended belly and stood up. There hadn't been anything suspicious in the file. This Lazarus was a damn dangerous guy and Lisbon really feared for the first time that Jane wasn't alive anymore. Maybe he was 10 feet under the ground like the other victims of Lazarus.

"I take the vacation." She smiled as softly as only she could. It was already dark outside and she could only see the other agent's features as she stood in the office. Cho nodded and walked around his desk to hug her. It was a sad scene. Cho was concerned and told her to take care of both of them while Lisbon was trying hard not to cry and said that she would call him at least once a week.

"Okay, thank you Cho, you know," Lisbon hugged him a little tighter and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"Yeah, sure." Even though Cho's face didn't show any emotions, they were written in his eyes. "It will be fine Teresa," he tried to assure her.

* * *

It wasn't fine; the next morning she packed her stuff (only a few belongings) into a tiny suitcase and went to the train station. She had used some makeup to cover the circles under her eyes, but she felt nothing like she looked like.

First thing she bought was a pair of sunglasses. Lisbon got into the train and sat down.

The train began to move and she dozed a bit. At 3pm she had enough of the chattering and the noises of the train.

So she got out, apparently a suburb of San Antonio. Wandering around, she found an ice cream shop. Lisbon probably looked like a tourist and no one bothered to talk to her, it really felt like vacation. A vacation she would have needed back in the CBI days.

Later, she got into the train again and drove until San Antonio. There she rented a room in a hotel for the next 3 days. She paid them in advance.

It was a nice large room, as Lisbon walked into the bathroom she even noticed that it had a bathtub. Unfortunately she had no bath salt for it, but she decided to buy some the next day.

After putting on her pajamas she removed her makeup. Her mirror image looked at her, big green eyes stared into the space, her hair was curly and somehow Lisbon disliked her haircut suddenly. Her hair was brittle and too light.

She made a list of the things she had to do tomorrow and tried to find some sleep in the uncomfortable bed, but it didn't work.

It was not better here. It felt like Jane was farther away than yesterday. Suddenly tears spilled out of her eyes and she swallowed hard.

She was all alone. And she felt lonely. Her two most important things in life were missing and for a moment she felt like choking on her own boring life.

xxx

The next morning she bought 4 different kinds of salt and went with her plastic bag to the hairdresser.

Spontaneous she decided to cut her hair. "I want you to cut them to shoulders length."

Afterwards she made her now way shorter hair into a bun. It was funny because all hair didn't fit into the braid anymore. Lisbon even grinned slightly.

In her room again she used the salt, she decided to use the flower-y one. Lying there she could noticeable see her ever expanding bump and softly put her hands on it. No, she wasn't all alone, she had this little life. A part of her and Jane. She should eat more; even though she didn't feel hungry at all she knew the baby probably did nevertheless.

In bed, she called Cho. Her hair was still damp and she was wearing one of the white bathrobes of the hotel.

He was still at his office and probably had a whole lot of stuff to do, but he didn't say a word. He listened to her and told her eventually that Virgil Minelli, their old boss from the CBI, had called and asked for her.

"Really? Oh that's so nice of him, I'll call him when I'm back," Lisbon replied.

* * *

A/N: Yep, Minelli will be baaack.

Another thing, I wrote something that I would call "a tragedy". Jane and Lisbon are in an accident after 7x13 and well it's a bit (very) heartbreaking (just to be clear I cried because I wrote something so bad and evil.) I'm unsure if you would like to read it. I would be glad if you tell me in a review of PM if any of you are still interested.

-A x


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